Home is where the heart is

      As I reflect on my time here in London, I keep thinking about the steps of ritual studied in my Politics of Performance and Memory class: Separation, Transformation, and Reincorporation. 

While transformation did occur in London, I was constantly on the go, I didn't always have time to take it in. And to be honest, my every day life wasn't too far from what it's like in Chicago. I began to take living on the water for granted which I soon realized and tried to take more long walks on the river before I left, but it just isn't the same when it's cold. Of course the obvious season change and commuting to class, the traditional campus layout, etc. but in an odd way, it wasn't too different. Now all of a sudden I am beginning to realize just how different it is as I try to prepare for the reincorporation into a new season, this new yet familiar place. With the high levels of stress and anxiety of the last 3 days of exams, it honesty made me want to go home and the scheduling of appointments and getting my apartment assignment made it all feel more real that I am returning home. But to be truthful, the reincorporation can be scary. I don't expect a significant culture shock per se, but rather a feeling of dreamlike liminal presence this experience might become. I've seen it in small trips when I go abroad, you have the pictures, inside jokes, and laughs, but at the end of the day the trip all starts to blur together and just becomes a dream you had. Well this was way too long of a period of my life to view as a dream but I'm worried my memories will become that way. The little moments I don't have photos of, the people I met on a one time basis, and the stories that will grow more and more distant from me. Of course this possibility is scary to me. But the unknown is exciting. 

      When I began this journey, the only thing certain was my trip to Denmark and Portugal, these trips had been done before, therefore familiarity was my comfort. They were my only known factors so I tended to be more excited for them, but I had no idea everything that would occur. 

      Towards the end of my very first post, exactly 4 months ago, I shared one of my favorite quotes “You will never be completely at home again, because part of your heart will always be elsewhere. That is the price you pay for the richness of loving and knowing people in more than one place.”

      My hope for this season abroad was to create new relationships and a piece of my home in the city of East London. When I first arrived, I seemed to only be meeting Americans and Canadians, and while they were nice people, I was frustrated that I could not meet more locals and learn about London itself, I had come all the way here. It took awhile but when I finally found community with my classmates and at Crossway Church, I met those "UK locals" I'd been waiting to meet. 

      What I had yet to find out, was I actually created a piece of home in my heart in many more unexpected places, particularly in 5 separate places that were never on my bucketlist until now. I now have a piece of my heart... 

      ...In Romania, for the girl who helped me maintain my joy, stay strong, and cried with and for me. Catalina, I love you. 

      ...In the Caribbean for the girl who helped me see my own beauty, reminded me to trust in God, and helped me adjust to London. Delicia, I love you. 

      ...In South Africa, for the girl who hung out with me when everyone else seemed to have plans, let me reveal parts of myself in my own timing without prying but always praying, and was always reliable in the most stressful of days. Haigen, I love you. 

      ...In Germany for the girl who always seemed familiar, like we had known each other our whole lives, who would fit right in to my friend group back home so well. The girl who sat and drank tea with me and let me be sad when I needed it, but was always down for adventures. Nora, I love you. 

      ...and lastly, in Morocco for the girl who is actually from Pennsylvania but I heard so many incredible stories from her time there that it has made me want to travel there. For the girl who made me laugh and feel welcomed and loved and is crazier and wilder than me, in the most inspiring way. 

      Of course there were others I met along the way but these 5 new places will always be special to me because of these people. Though I've been to any of these places, coming to London and developing true, strong friendship with these 5 incredible women has given me a place in my heart for them. They have each individually made my time here so special, so thank you. 

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"Plans to give you a hope and a future"

I’m in the single digits in terms of how many days I have left here and it still hasn’t all been processed, that I actually did this, that I actually lived here on this continent, that I made it through more curveballs than I could’ve ever anticipated, that I have to leave it behind, and that there is a lot of unknown coming my way in 2019.

2018 was definitely a year of travel and did good to me, long before this study abroad experience and especially during. Since the middle of September I have been to 7 different countries and over 12 different cities. Traveling was what got me through most days, knowing God’s creation was waiting to be seen. In the last four months, I can’t begin to express my gratitude for my mentor, my closest friends, family, and even acquaintances who reached out at various times, just when I seemed to need them. I truly believe God puts people in your life at specific times for specific reasons. I keep trying to reflect and process all that has occured in this study abroad journey but it is all so much. Months from now I will probably recall little moments that have already slipped my memory.

I came here a different person, with different relationships , different goals and dreams, different realities and ideas, and different perspectives. I thought I came here open, but there was even more opening to be done. I came with a hunger to discover my artistic passions deeper, and while there is still lots of work to be done, I have uncovered a few. While abroad, I suffered through so much anxiety of the unknown, disorganization, and what felt like hopeless help from the university here. I experienced raw heartbreak, along with grief, anger, pain, and confusion. My faith journey was honestly all over the place and seemed to changed by the day. I suffered physical pains as a result of emotional stress with unanswered questions and stubbornness and nonlinear health patterns. I spent lots of time alone and traveled in ways I’ve never done before. I experienced friendship betrayal and cleansed myself of the toxicity. I spent more quieter days than normal. I met incredible people and had to leave them just hours later. I heard stranger’s stories and spoke bits of my own. I dove into my classes and had them as a means of healing. There were days that physical or emotional pain was so harsh I was willing to try any new method or food or essential oil or song to fix it, or to just to feel something. I prayed a lot. I cried a lot. I laughed a lot with that lingering feeling in the back of your mind that reality will come back soon.

There is no good way to really prepare for what I will experience upon return, the potential jetlag or “culture shock” or longing to come back here or relief, but I am hopeful for what is to come. I leave in 9 days. I can’t believe I just wrote that. I don’t want to leave what almost feels like a liminal state: the smell of bonfires on a daily basis, the ocean right outside my window, endless sunrises and sunsets, the obligation to nothingness but a paper I just finished and reading for pleasure on the sun soaked porch. I have never done as much “nothing” as I have in the last two weeks and it has been so so good for my soul. I leave in 9 days. I don’t know where I will be working or where I will be living, what all there is to catch up on with my friends, what the state of my bedroom will look like, how much snow there will be, if I’ll be able to sleep, what 2019 brings, but I know God is good all the time. He has been waiting for me and patient with me as I figure Him out and run all around this crazy continent with all sorts of unexpected hiccups and pains and questions. He has been here all along on the days I wanted to deny it or was angry with Him or confused, on my quiet walks and on my loudest nights, He has been here whether I like it or not. He will be here, and I am learning to be more open and accepting of the unknown day by day. I am learning and growing and finding new ways to stop worrying about all the unknowns He has to come. 2018 was incredible. I saw more of the world in one year than any other year thus far, but it was also so so difficult. I have a lot of bittersweet feelings about leaving this continent and timezone as some of my dearest loved ones, but I have a feeling I will return. And when I do, it will be a whole new story. Despite the unknowns upon return, I look forward to familiar faces, a little more time in bed with Netflix, and charging on to the work God has for me back at Columbia and beyond. I am hopeful in God’s grace and plans for 2019.