"Plans to give you a hope and a future"

I’m in the single digits in terms of how many days I have left here and it still hasn’t all been processed, that I actually did this, that I actually lived here on this continent, that I made it through more curveballs than I could’ve ever anticipated, that I have to leave it behind, and that there is a lot of unknown coming my way in 2019.

2018 was definitely a year of travel and did good to me, long before this study abroad experience and especially during. Since the middle of September I have been to 7 different countries and over 12 different cities. Traveling was what got me through most days, knowing God’s creation was waiting to be seen. In the last four months, I can’t begin to express my gratitude for my mentor, my closest friends, family, and even acquaintances who reached out at various times, just when I seemed to need them. I truly believe God puts people in your life at specific times for specific reasons. I keep trying to reflect and process all that has occured in this study abroad journey but it is all so much. Months from now I will probably recall little moments that have already slipped my memory.

I came here a different person, with different relationships , different goals and dreams, different realities and ideas, and different perspectives. I thought I came here open, but there was even more opening to be done. I came with a hunger to discover my artistic passions deeper, and while there is still lots of work to be done, I have uncovered a few. While abroad, I suffered through so much anxiety of the unknown, disorganization, and what felt like hopeless help from the university here. I experienced raw heartbreak, along with grief, anger, pain, and confusion. My faith journey was honestly all over the place and seemed to changed by the day. I suffered physical pains as a result of emotional stress with unanswered questions and stubbornness and nonlinear health patterns. I spent lots of time alone and traveled in ways I’ve never done before. I experienced friendship betrayal and cleansed myself of the toxicity. I spent more quieter days than normal. I met incredible people and had to leave them just hours later. I heard stranger’s stories and spoke bits of my own. I dove into my classes and had them as a means of healing. There were days that physical or emotional pain was so harsh I was willing to try any new method or food or essential oil or song to fix it, or to just to feel something. I prayed a lot. I cried a lot. I laughed a lot with that lingering feeling in the back of your mind that reality will come back soon.

There is no good way to really prepare for what I will experience upon return, the potential jetlag or “culture shock” or longing to come back here or relief, but I am hopeful for what is to come. I leave in 9 days. I can’t believe I just wrote that. I don’t want to leave what almost feels like a liminal state: the smell of bonfires on a daily basis, the ocean right outside my window, endless sunrises and sunsets, the obligation to nothingness but a paper I just finished and reading for pleasure on the sun soaked porch. I have never done as much “nothing” as I have in the last two weeks and it has been so so good for my soul. I leave in 9 days. I don’t know where I will be working or where I will be living, what all there is to catch up on with my friends, what the state of my bedroom will look like, how much snow there will be, if I’ll be able to sleep, what 2019 brings, but I know God is good all the time. He has been waiting for me and patient with me as I figure Him out and run all around this crazy continent with all sorts of unexpected hiccups and pains and questions. He has been here all along on the days I wanted to deny it or was angry with Him or confused, on my quiet walks and on my loudest nights, He has been here whether I like it or not. He will be here, and I am learning to be more open and accepting of the unknown day by day. I am learning and growing and finding new ways to stop worrying about all the unknowns He has to come. 2018 was incredible. I saw more of the world in one year than any other year thus far, but it was also so so difficult. I have a lot of bittersweet feelings about leaving this continent and timezone as some of my dearest loved ones, but I have a feeling I will return. And when I do, it will be a whole new story. Despite the unknowns upon return, I look forward to familiar faces, a little more time in bed with Netflix, and charging on to the work God has for me back at Columbia and beyond. I am hopeful in God’s grace and plans for 2019.