Home is where the heart is

      As I reflect on my time here in London, I keep thinking about the steps of ritual studied in my Politics of Performance and Memory class: Separation, Transformation, and Reincorporation. 

While transformation did occur in London, I was constantly on the go, I didn't always have time to take it in. And to be honest, my every day life wasn't too far from what it's like in Chicago. I began to take living on the water for granted which I soon realized and tried to take more long walks on the river before I left, but it just isn't the same when it's cold. Of course the obvious season change and commuting to class, the traditional campus layout, etc. but in an odd way, it wasn't too different. Now all of a sudden I am beginning to realize just how different it is as I try to prepare for the reincorporation into a new season, this new yet familiar place. With the high levels of stress and anxiety of the last 3 days of exams, it honesty made me want to go home and the scheduling of appointments and getting my apartment assignment made it all feel more real that I am returning home. But to be truthful, the reincorporation can be scary. I don't expect a significant culture shock per se, but rather a feeling of dreamlike liminal presence this experience might become. I've seen it in small trips when I go abroad, you have the pictures, inside jokes, and laughs, but at the end of the day the trip all starts to blur together and just becomes a dream you had. Well this was way too long of a period of my life to view as a dream but I'm worried my memories will become that way. The little moments I don't have photos of, the people I met on a one time basis, and the stories that will grow more and more distant from me. Of course this possibility is scary to me. But the unknown is exciting. 

      When I began this journey, the only thing certain was my trip to Denmark and Portugal, these trips had been done before, therefore familiarity was my comfort. They were my only known factors so I tended to be more excited for them, but I had no idea everything that would occur. 

      Towards the end of my very first post, exactly 4 months ago, I shared one of my favorite quotes “You will never be completely at home again, because part of your heart will always be elsewhere. That is the price you pay for the richness of loving and knowing people in more than one place.”

      My hope for this season abroad was to create new relationships and a piece of my home in the city of East London. When I first arrived, I seemed to only be meeting Americans and Canadians, and while they were nice people, I was frustrated that I could not meet more locals and learn about London itself, I had come all the way here. It took awhile but when I finally found community with my classmates and at Crossway Church, I met those "UK locals" I'd been waiting to meet. 

      What I had yet to find out, was I actually created a piece of home in my heart in many more unexpected places, particularly in 5 separate places that were never on my bucketlist until now. I now have a piece of my heart... 

      ...In Romania, for the girl who helped me maintain my joy, stay strong, and cried with and for me. Catalina, I love you. 

      ...In the Caribbean for the girl who helped me see my own beauty, reminded me to trust in God, and helped me adjust to London. Delicia, I love you. 

      ...In South Africa, for the girl who hung out with me when everyone else seemed to have plans, let me reveal parts of myself in my own timing without prying but always praying, and was always reliable in the most stressful of days. Haigen, I love you. 

      ...In Germany for the girl who always seemed familiar, like we had known each other our whole lives, who would fit right in to my friend group back home so well. The girl who sat and drank tea with me and let me be sad when I needed it, but was always down for adventures. Nora, I love you. 

      ...and lastly, in Morocco for the girl who is actually from Pennsylvania but I heard so many incredible stories from her time there that it has made me want to travel there. For the girl who made me laugh and feel welcomed and loved and is crazier and wilder than me, in the most inspiring way. 

      Of course there were others I met along the way but these 5 new places will always be special to me because of these people. Though I've been to any of these places, coming to London and developing true, strong friendship with these 5 incredible women has given me a place in my heart for them. They have each individually made my time here so special, so thank you. 

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"Plans to give you a hope and a future"

I’m in the single digits in terms of how many days I have left here and it still hasn’t all been processed, that I actually did this, that I actually lived here on this continent, that I made it through more curveballs than I could’ve ever anticipated, that I have to leave it behind, and that there is a lot of unknown coming my way in 2019.

2018 was definitely a year of travel and did good to me, long before this study abroad experience and especially during. Since the middle of September I have been to 7 different countries and over 12 different cities. Traveling was what got me through most days, knowing God’s creation was waiting to be seen. In the last four months, I can’t begin to express my gratitude for my mentor, my closest friends, family, and even acquaintances who reached out at various times, just when I seemed to need them. I truly believe God puts people in your life at specific times for specific reasons. I keep trying to reflect and process all that has occured in this study abroad journey but it is all so much. Months from now I will probably recall little moments that have already slipped my memory.

I came here a different person, with different relationships , different goals and dreams, different realities and ideas, and different perspectives. I thought I came here open, but there was even more opening to be done. I came with a hunger to discover my artistic passions deeper, and while there is still lots of work to be done, I have uncovered a few. While abroad, I suffered through so much anxiety of the unknown, disorganization, and what felt like hopeless help from the university here. I experienced raw heartbreak, along with grief, anger, pain, and confusion. My faith journey was honestly all over the place and seemed to changed by the day. I suffered physical pains as a result of emotional stress with unanswered questions and stubbornness and nonlinear health patterns. I spent lots of time alone and traveled in ways I’ve never done before. I experienced friendship betrayal and cleansed myself of the toxicity. I spent more quieter days than normal. I met incredible people and had to leave them just hours later. I heard stranger’s stories and spoke bits of my own. I dove into my classes and had them as a means of healing. There were days that physical or emotional pain was so harsh I was willing to try any new method or food or essential oil or song to fix it, or to just to feel something. I prayed a lot. I cried a lot. I laughed a lot with that lingering feeling in the back of your mind that reality will come back soon.

There is no good way to really prepare for what I will experience upon return, the potential jetlag or “culture shock” or longing to come back here or relief, but I am hopeful for what is to come. I leave in 9 days. I can’t believe I just wrote that. I don’t want to leave what almost feels like a liminal state: the smell of bonfires on a daily basis, the ocean right outside my window, endless sunrises and sunsets, the obligation to nothingness but a paper I just finished and reading for pleasure on the sun soaked porch. I have never done as much “nothing” as I have in the last two weeks and it has been so so good for my soul. I leave in 9 days. I don’t know where I will be working or where I will be living, what all there is to catch up on with my friends, what the state of my bedroom will look like, how much snow there will be, if I’ll be able to sleep, what 2019 brings, but I know God is good all the time. He has been waiting for me and patient with me as I figure Him out and run all around this crazy continent with all sorts of unexpected hiccups and pains and questions. He has been here all along on the days I wanted to deny it or was angry with Him or confused, on my quiet walks and on my loudest nights, He has been here whether I like it or not. He will be here, and I am learning to be more open and accepting of the unknown day by day. I am learning and growing and finding new ways to stop worrying about all the unknowns He has to come. 2018 was incredible. I saw more of the world in one year than any other year thus far, but it was also so so difficult. I have a lot of bittersweet feelings about leaving this continent and timezone as some of my dearest loved ones, but I have a feeling I will return. And when I do, it will be a whole new story. Despite the unknowns upon return, I look forward to familiar faces, a little more time in bed with Netflix, and charging on to the work God has for me back at Columbia and beyond. I am hopeful in God’s grace and plans for 2019.

Sprinkles of People

So here’s a discovery I’ve made over the last few months abroad I recently shared with a friend. Two things about me: I’ve always been a person who likes closure; goodbyes or well wishes or plans to see someone again have always been important to me (it is true that when you know the next time you are going to see a person, it makes the goodbye much easier to say). Second: I’m a relational person so staying in touch and growing friendships has always been important to me. The last time I made a friend and just didn’t talk to them again was probably my early early years of summer camp before technology. In those days, I would make a friend, we’d spend time together, and go our separate ways at the end of the week. But even then, oftentimes we would exchange addresses or become penpals or give our moms phone numbers to set up future play dates that may or may not happen. (I still have a beautiful pouch made for me by a penpal friend I met on a family vacation in Mexico once.) My point is that staying in touch and getting to know someone on a deeper level, or at least keeping up with what is going on in their life is important.

On this journey abroad, I have found it extremely difficult to make lasting relationships and closure has been difficult to seek, given everyone’s schedules and life factors. There have been many obstacles to making solid, healthy new friendships this season and just when I started to find them, it was too late and life was moving forward. When saying goodbye to people in London, it was hard to know where to even begin and there are several people I never even really said goodbye to, or got to know on that deeper level I have aspired to know so badly. When looking back, God put sprinkles of people’s lives in front of me but I don’t think I ever spent more than four solid days with the same person. I didn’t have that one instant connection or automatic best friend I could go to (and that made many challenges so much harder).

I’ve met so many unique people from all over the world, heard so many crazy beginnings to stories, but there are so many questions and unknowns and curiosities about the people I’ve encountered that I’ll just have to accept I may never know the answer to. The blessing in this is it has allowed me to have more quiet time with the Lord and alone time with myself. Factors that have hindered me from having companions on day trips, exploring London, or seeing a show have led me to spend time with myself, whether I like it or not, and spend time soaking in God’s beauty, solo. And while I’m not one for alone time, and have several insecurities about the whole thing honestly, some days I appreciated it and I’m learning to understand it more. I don’t like being by myself for over a certain amount of hours or I’ll go stir-crazy. However, in order to truly embrace this experience abroad and everything surrounding me in the great city of London, I felt compelled to go out and do things on my own because I couldn’t just sit and wait around for someone to be available to join me. However, for the ones I did spend time with, I wish to know so much more about them and have more hours to speak with them. I was present as I spent time with different people and remember loads of it but I still long for that closure, for that “friendship stamp of approval” or something to prove our time together was real and true and valid or even something I could call “friendship”. But many I may not see again or factors will hinder us from meeting again, such as they did when we lived in the same city. So for now, I’ll form my own goodbye rituals (similar to those in one of my modules) and grab hold of the beauty and benefit of my time spent alone and with God. I’ll hold onto the small moments I was given with strangers and those I’ll never know if I can ever completely truly call “friend”.

Cabo da Roca Reflection

Yesterday I went to one of my favorite places in Portugal, to have some quiet time and reflection. As I looked out at the view it brought me to tears because this is the coast that connects to the ocean, one of my favorite places, but it's also the ocean that connects to the continent where a lot of people I love are. In that moment of reflection, I had to stop and be proud of myself for working through some tough stuff this season because sometimes mentally we underrate our own struggles in comparison to others. So as I sat by the ocean (with Moana stuck in my head), I remembered all my friends and family have done for me from across the sea, and the ones on inter-Europe. This season has been more challenging than I ever anticipated and most of the challenges weren't even study abroad related, but being a continent away from so many amongst the heartbreak, discouragement, loneliness, anger, grief, anxiety, frustration and every wave I've been through, has made it more challenging. 
So thank you to the friend who let me call to cry and scream, the one who sent me songs I needed to hear, the one who called unexpectedly who didn't even know what was going on, the ones who prayed for and with me, to the ones who sent funny memes or made me laugh and see things from a new perspective, for the one who cheered me on and told me they were proud of me, to the one who let me rant or call at crazy hours, the one who gave spiritual guidance, the one willing to buy a ticket just to spend 4 hours with me, ones who let me reminisce on the good parts of the year, the ones who gave wisdom or just let me be angry, the one looking out for my mental and physical health and all the tips, the one who stayed on the phone during a panic attack and took a train to see me, the one who flew across that ocean just to be with me, the one spending the holidays with me. 
You each know who you are. You make me feel so loved. I still have loads to get through but you made this season better and I am so grateful for each specific person and each specific gift you bring me. Thank you for cheering me on, in my current timezone, or across the ocean.

                                                         

A Thank You note to Paris

Paris, you took my breath away. You distracted me. You entertained me. You awed me. Thank you.

Paris has never been on the top of my list but it has also never been not on my list.

So on a weekend that was supposed to look a lot differently than it ended up looking, I needed to get
out of London and what better place to go than Paris?

Day one was filled with being in the most magical place in the world and reminded me of the good in
all people. While Paris may have a stereotype for having rude people, Disneyland is quite the contrary.
I reunited with a friend, Sophia, from 7th grade who I hadn’t spoken to or seen since we were 13, and
it turns out, we had a lot more in common lately than maybe ever before. We got some scream
therapy we both needed to let out on Rockin Rollercoaster and laughed and smiled and sang and
skipped our way through the parks. I was nostalgic for May when I went to Disneyworld with my family,
and it was honestly the best feeling. The day was a weekday and pretty foggy which meant fewer
people, smaller lines, and shorter wait times- all good things for us! We pretty much saw every show,
rode every ride, and enjoyed crepes and mulled wine at the Hollywood Studios Christmas market.
The parks encompass some of the best rides in Disneyworld in addition to some unique attractions to
Paris, like Crush’s Coaster, the Ratatouille ride, and a hilariously cheesy Armageddon experience that
I’m pretty sure Sophia only took me on to laugh at.

                                

                      

                            It's a Small World after all: London, New York, and Hollywood



                                       

                

               

The next day, my lovely host Nora and her family were going to take me to the Eiffel Tower but this
particular Saturday was one of the first to begin weekly protests happening all throughout Paris.
(This is the second time while traveling I've visited a country just weeks before it was unsafe to be in.
Venice had severe floods just two weeks after I left and the riots in Paris got increasingly worse after
I left.) These manifestations caused delays in several areas across the city, making it hard to explore
certain areas. Steering away from original plans, Nora took me to see Notre Dame, her family’s
delicious restaurant, and the Louvre, where I saw Mona Lisa. The entire day felt surreal, and I
hadn’t even seen the Eiffel tower yet. Later, Sophia and a friend took me out for typical Moules-frites
and swing dancing at this hole-in-the-wall jazz club with a live band.

Sunday, the protests has eased up so I was able to get an early start to see Sacred Heart church and
the beautiful hill it lays upon. The views were incredible and the church was just the perfect serene
setting for a day of worship. The place was flooded with prayers and the streets with music, tourist
shops, and crepes on every corner. In the afternoon, Nora’s family and I went to see a special
exhibition of newly-discovered Miro paintings at Grand Palais and on the last night, in my last
remaining hours in Paris, at last, I saw the Eiffel tower. After a 3-4 hour wait in the cold and dark,
I made it up the two elevators and several queues (yes, I say queue now) to take in the breathtaking
view. By the time I reached the top, the sun had set and the city was lit up so I took it all in while
indulging more French pastries (one of the highlights of the weekend).

                          

The entire weekend feels like a dream. I know this entire journey has felt like a dream but this
particular weekend was filled with so much happiness, music, magic, and picture-perfect views,
it was the best distractor I could receive. From the kindness of my host, Sophia taking me to Disney,
the pastries and endless crepes, the wandering Parisian streets on a Sunday morning, to the
unexpectedly gorgeous fall weather that treated me well, it was all a dream. One of the best weekends
I’ve had while abroad, in the most needed of times. I’m so incredibly grateful for this weekend and
time given to me.

Paris, You distracted me. You entertained me. You awed me. Thank you.

Day Trip to Another Country

One of the privileges of my schedule this term has been my free Wednesdays to get
things done as well as explore the greater UK area. One of those weeks consisted of a relaxing
Megabus trip to Wales for the day. One major difference between the Europe,
particularly the UK, and the United States is that it’s a lot less common to take roadtrips here.
Being in the car for a few hours just for a day trip is rare. However, this road-trip enthusiast was
up for a day in Cardiff, Wales, a town recommended to me by a dear friend. The bus was
about 3 hours but the beauty of the road is seeing the shifting distinct change between city
streets and London museums to field of sheep, goats, greenery, and blue skies.
It was a beautiful fall day so we took our time walking through a park, past Cardiff Castle,
through some Welsh neighborhoods to a nice brunch restaurant. Afterwards, we hopped a bus
to go to the bay and be by the water, one of my favorite places to be. Along the shore, there
are different signs telling you about the wildlife within the water and a small maritime museum.

                                                        

While I do enjoy museums, maritime isn’t exactly a subject I find particularly interesting, however, they had a special exhibition on display that caught my interest. Temporarily displayed there is an exhibit called “Young, Migrant, and Welsch” which tells the stories of recent immigrant students who have come to Wales and their views of being accepted, or lack thereof, within the community of Cardiff. Many of them view London as desirable in terms of its diversity and multicultural acceptance (but if you speak with some of my London-local classmates, they’ll tell you otherwise about the segregation and racism that occurs in the city). By comparison, however, Cardiff is a lot less diverse and many of the students shared quotes of stereotypes they have heard about them as well as their personal journeys coming to Wales. This exhibition resonated with me for several reasons. The first is that this past summer I worked on a show called My Family Came for This which was based on student writing of Milwaukee immigrants telling their stories of coming to America. The exhibition in Wales even had a quote from our show that comes from a poem by Warsan Shire, a British-Somali poet, that says “No one leaves home unless home is the mouth of a shark”. The second reason this exhibit resonated with me was because just the day before, my Applied Theatre course was discussing migrants and their experiences coming to London. So to see this the very next day was fate, like putting the pieces together of the puzzle of my work here.

                                                   
The day in Cardiff ended by walking among the arcades, through a Christmas market, riding a carousel in the middle of the shopping street, and seeing the castle one last time. The townspeople were just beginning to put up the Christmas tree and lights and the quaintness of the town lied in the decorations.